Emotionally Abusive Mothers

I know in Islam we’re supposed to be kind towards our parents, especially our mothers. However, how about if you have a mother who finds it necessary to emotionally abuse their daughters and sons? Emotional abuse is often not discussed at all. In fact, many people tend to have issues because of the “emotional” abuse they faced from their mothers.In life we don’t choose who our parents are. Some people have great supportive parents, and some people have bad parents who are not so supportive. It’s just the cards we’re dealt, and what matters is how we approach it to make the situation better. Emotional abuse consists of constantly yelling, and belittling a person with insults. As a child…and even a grown up it can be difficult if you have a mother who is constantly trying to make you angry, and putting holes in your self-esteem. A lot of people face this problem, and are often silent about this. In Somali culture in particular, it’s taboo to say if your mother is being horrible to you. You just are supposed to deal with it. However, how about if your mother’s treatment is causing you to behave “unmuslim” like. In that cause my opinion is for you to remove yourself from the situation. No one should suffer with yelling, and being abused everyday verbally and mentally. If you can’t afford to move, I suggest getting married. However, don’t just jump into a marriage for the sake of getting away from your mother. You might end up in a worst situation than before. Another thing a person can do is moving away to college and living on campus. Sometimes distance can improve you’re relationship with your mother. Again, also as hard as it can be try to be nice to your mother. It could be a psychological problem she is having. Alot of Somali mothers, especially living in the west face depression, and most of them will not admit it, but they are only being horrible to you because of their own problems. Some mothers could be projecting their own life failures to their children, especially mother’s who are very critical of their daughters, and sons. I have met many girls who have problems with their mothers, especially many of them told me they are depressed from the emotional abuse they’ve suffered. My advice is the earth is big for a reason, if you are not happy in a place, you have the power to remove yourself from things that are bringing unhappiness into your life. Emotional abuse doesn’t have to be endured from anyone.

Abuse in the Somali Community

I would like to talk about a sensitive issue today regarding abuses within the Somali community. Many Somalis like to believe that as Somalis, we’re good people because we’re “muslims”. The reality is, just as other communities have their perverts, and abusers we also have our fair share. It’s just not openly talked about in our communities. Especially in regards to children. I was inspired to write this blog because of a recent story that happened last night in New York (http://www.buffalonews.com/city/communities/east-side/article816245.ece <—-copy and paste this link to your url ) in which a Somali man killed his 10 year old step-son in cold blood. According to reports, the boy told many people in the Somali community that he was abusing him, and he didn't want to go back to the house. Many people didn't call the police or child protection….because from Somali culture, they thought he was just discipling the boy. This story made me cry, and was deeply sad. I was sad about the abuse this boy endured in his young life, he asked for help from the Somali community, but people didn't take the proper care to notify the police from my understanding. He told people "I don't want to go to him". He was scared for his life, and that devil monster ended up taking his life….which is with God now. I pray in gets what he deserves in jail and hell!!

Many other abuses are left unsaid. I heard cases where even teachers of Quran molest little Somali boys. Young girls are also molested, and who knows maybe no one believes them that their uncle is the one who is abusing them. The truth is the devil exists everywhere. It doesn't mean you're one religion, everyone is perfect! It's not true. Many American, Christians are better people than Somali Muslims. Good people exist everywhere. Bad people exist everywhere. When a child tells you they're being abused, you believe them. A child is pure, and innocent. Their hearts tell no lies. May Allah protect all our children from monsters.

I don't believe in spanking, or beating children to "discipline" them. I don't believe in yelling at children. Both things do nothing to make children better. Why is it that most Somali children are yelled at constantly, beat for not cleaning the house, cooking food? It doesn't make sense. Some children are even beat severely, yet no one in the community says anything because we all grew up being spanked and yelled at by our parents. It's considered "normal". Yet how is it normal when it leads a child, and teen to runaway from their houses? What are they running away from? Obviously the mental and physical abuse they face at home. Yet there are no programs in the Somali community to help with teen counseling, or safe houses for runaway teens who are being beat mercilessly in their houses. I just feel in our culture we never listen to children, it's also "shut up". "Doqonkaan" (dummy). There are of course good Somali parents, but the majority of the culture is very rough with kids. I think it's because we came from a rough country, where people were yelled at, beat to make them "straight" or "tough". You don't hear some parents praising their children, you only hear them yelling at them. How will that child become a better human being? How will that child's self-esteem be affected? It has a huge impact on their mental health. Another issue in our community is parents emotionally abusing their children. They might not feel it's emotional abuse, but it is. Emotional abuse is yelling constanting, and name calling. All these things affect the psychological development, and well-being of children. Nobody in Somalia thought about "mental health" , because everyone was so used to that. But, we're in a different culture now, it's a whole different life. We have to uplift our children, believe them when they say they're being abused. Also, know who you leave your children with. Alot of Somali parents, especially ones that grew up in Somalia say "there isn't such a thing as mental abuse". But, in fact there is. It's something that definitely exists in our communities, and we really need to educate people about them. Especially people with traditional views. Again, there are good and bad people everywhere, and that includes the Somali community.

*Sidenote* I took the rape accusation out because we don’t know yet, and this case is currently pending. Until I know all the facts, I chose to delete that.

Stereotypes about Somalis

I wanted to talk about some stereotypes about Somalis, and possibly correct them. I was just replying to this non-Somali lady who stated that Somali culture consists of “FGM, clan warfare, and sex trafficking of underage girls”. I know alot of times on this blog while in Somalia I mainly discussed some negative issues in Somalia which included FGM. Yes, FGM does occur in Somalia, but Somalia is not the only country that practiced it. Many people think it’s “Muslim” countries that practice that, but contrary to that belief, many non-Muslim African cultures practice that as well. Countries like Ethiopia, Uganda, Kenya, and some west African cultures. FGM started with the Pharaoh in Egypt, which is why it’s prevalent in Africa mainly. However, through governmental laws banning such practices, and educating the masses, this practice has been declining. It has no basis in religion. Most Somalis in America don’t practice this today, because people are AWARE that it’s illegal.

Another thing this reader mentioned on this blog is, we’re concerned about Somalis setting up enclaves in Minnesota and the possibility of “clan warfare” happening. That is false. We live in America, we are not going to have a civil war. Even in Somalia today, clan warfare no longer exists. So that addresses that stereotype. Now, another thing they mentioned was “sex trafficking of young girls”. Sex trafficking has nothing to do with Somali culture. I think this person got this from a news report about this gang ( that consisted of Somalis and non-Somalis) that were sex trafficking underage girls in three states that included Minnesota. Again, sex trafficking is haraam (not Islamic), and as Muslims we don’t condone such evil acts.

Now, I want to make a list of stereotypes I heard about Somali people and address them:

1. Why don’t Somali people look like “regular black people” – Believe it or not I have heard people say this. In fact some Africans, especially west Africans claim we’re not real Africans because we don’t look like them. It’s true Somali people don’t look like “regular” black people. We don’t have black features, with the exception of the skin color, but we are in fact African. We’re one of the oldest group in the Horn of Africa. We’re known as Kushtic people. We have varying hair textures, from straight to wavy, but often not very kinky. We tend to be tall, lean, and have straigher noses than most other Africans. Some African people think we feel we are “better” than them because of this. That is not true. We are a very prideful people, and most nomadic cultures are this way. Not all black people look the same, we’re all created by God in our own unique ways.

2. Somali people eat kids- Yes, I have heard this typed before, believe it or not (lol). Most of the hate I see on the internet against Somali people is usually from West African, or Carribean people. It’s funny because most Somalis think west Africans eat people. Again, ignorance can be on both sides of the spectrum. The answer is no we don’t! Cannibalism is against our religion after all=)

3. Somali people have big foreheads- That is not true. Everyone is different, and also other people from other ethnicities can have big foreheads. I heard somewhere it indicates higher intelligence though.

4. FGM – Not everyone has this done to them! Even in Somalia it’s not practiced as much as before through education.

5. Somalis are on welfare- No, most Somali people are hard-workers. They either are business oriented, in school, or working. There are some people that need extra help, and they’re not the only culture that takes help from the government.

6- Somalis don’t want to “integrate” – We do integrate, but integrating doesn’t mean we have to lose our culture to take the “majority” group’s culture or religious beliefs. We integrate by following the American laws, being good citizens, working hard to attain the American “dream”…whatever that maybe these days. I think as Muslims especially, being also that we’re not white, we’ll always stand out from the majority, whether in dress or religious practices. However, isn’t America a land of religious freedom? So last time I checked everyone can freely practice their religion. Yes, so integrating I think these days is meant to mean, to “look” like the majority. I believe integrating doesn’t mean “melting” into the mainstream. You still can have your distinct subculture within the mainstream culture.

7- All Somali men are taxi drivers- Absolutely not true. In Minnesota, it is true that Somalis do drive Taxis and they’re visible, but at least they’re working. What’s wrong with earning an honest wage? Nothing. However, Somalis do many things as well. We have many professionals such as doctors, lawyers, engineers, business owners etc etc.

8- Somalis are taking over our country! (Go back to your country!) – I have had one lady at a supermarket in Minnesota shout “Go back to your country”. I was like “bitch, you go back to your country”. If I have a right to be in America, who gives someone the right to tell me where to be? The rightful owners of America are the native Indians last time I checked. Anyways about Somalis “taking over” the country. There are less than 200,000 Somalis in the United States, mainly located in Minnesota, Ohio and San Diego. So, I doubt we’re taking over=) NEXT!

9- You guys “smell”- I doubt we smell! We wash our bodies 5 times a day as Muslims. Good hygiene is very important in our community (LOL, it’s funny I’m even addressing this, but I have to for mindless people out there).

10- You eat bananas with everything- This is true. Bananas grow heavily in southern Somalia, and were the main export food, and still are to Middle Eastern gulf countries. Also banana with curry rice is so good! Don’t knock it till you try it=)

11- You guys are beautiful- I have received this comment alot before. Yes, it’s very true!

Anyways, those are some I could think of , I’m sure many people have alot of stereotypes out there, and every group has certain stereotypes applied to them, it’s obviously not true. People are individuals, and shouldn’t be “labeled” without getting to know them first. Somalis are generally good people, and very hospitable. They are very friendly and always smiling. They generally are a culture that helps each other and others in need. They usually like to joke around, and always very open people who love talking a lot. Again, this is just an overview, and might not apply to everyone out there. Of course it all depends on your cultural upbringing. We are after all a very oratory culture. Even though we do have a written language. I just hope my non-Somali readers learned something new today!! Oh and alot of people use the term “Somalian”, it’s actually a misnomer. The proper term is “Somali”. The people are called “Somali” (from our ancestral father Samaale), it literally means “go milk”. Very nomadic roots there. The language is called Somali, and the country is called Somalia!!

Some life lessons

I haven’t written on this blog in a while! Mainly because alot has been going on. I moved back from Africa to a brand new state. I’m now living in a city on the east coast that is destitute, and jobs are scarce. It’s quite a sad and lonely city. Most Somalis that live here are new immigrants, who speak no english and are basically fresh off the boat. There are no guys here, so my “social” life is pretty much zero here. I’ve been looking for a “real” job for the past 6 months, and have yet to find anything. You might be asking why do I live here if there are no jobs? Well, the reason is I have some things I have to do here.

 

Moving on to some interesting life lessons. I don’t trust people. I have always kept my distance from most people, and I think it has alot to do with my childhood. I’ve faced alot of disappointments growing up. So this made me close up my relationships with people. Which is why I rarely had “close” relationships with people. You see, I’m what you call the friend on the outside type of person. I will talk to people, make casual friends with them, but I never let them into my “world”. I also think this has done me great good. Because people in my community (Somali) can be hateful to each other. Alot of people will pretend to be your friend, but behind your back talk ill about you. Many of them don’t want you to succeed, or do better than them. Alot of people will pretend to show sympathy when you’re going through life problems, but in the end when you pull through and start doing better than them, they start hating you. For this reason, I never really shared the “good” things in my life with people that I consider “casual friends”. At the end of the day, people will let you down. So don’t give your secrets to them.

OHHH, another thing is my love life. It’s pretty bleak right now. Right now, most girls my age who are Somali are “expected” to be married with 2 children. I on the the other hand…haven’t found the right guy. Sure, alot of guys want to talk to me, some even have proposed to me, but really should I marry out of desperation or follow my heart? I think I’ll follow my heart. Marriage is a big deal in the Somali community, mainly because we’re muslims, and well you can’t do anything outside of marriage. No fun. Also I live in a destitute little city on the east coast, where all the males don’t speak a word of English and they smell foreign. I’m not hating because I once didn’t speak English myself, and I probably smelled ethnically different. That’s until I discovered Victoria’s Secret…and found the “secret”. Anyways, life is going these days. Trying to find a job, and basically “re-adjust” to life in America in a economically poor city on the east coast. Oh, and did I tell you how most people here don’t know where I’m from? At least in Minnesota people automatically knew I was Somali, they think I’m Bengali here. Do I smell like curry, I sometimes ponder?

Well everyone, I’ll keep you posted on the JOURNEY , from America to Africa to America again!! Stay tuned.